Annoying post about my signature issue

I have not written for quite a while, mostly because I nowadays also post longer texts on facebook and because I wanted to keep this blog (relatively) free of my everyday corona-rants. 

So this is another annoying post about my signature issue, leading women.

...

As you many of you will know, we (Detlef and I) are using the concept of role-change in all of our local classes and most of our international work. This is why many of our female students have taken up leading. Some have worked real hard, e. g. in our teacher training and are now registering as double-role dancers at many events - if the organisers allow for it. 

We of course encourage role-change at our milongas and encuentros and so the "leading ladies" and the few "following men" usually get enough dances in both roles at our events. We are very happy about the development because no-one has to wait as a wallflower anymore. It changes everything for the better!

But it is common knowledge that double rolers don't have good chances in most environments and that leading women in particular are often criticised for not being "experienced" or "good" enough. And sure, many of them have only taken up the "other role" recently, so they are still learning and very well aware of that.

But I ask myself: With whom are leading women implicitly compared when people are making such a statement? Not good enough in comparison to whom?

Is it with male "beginners" who have been leading a similar amount of time? Surely not, because as a tango teacher I can confirm that experienced followers who take up leading will be much, much, much more competent than the average man who starts tango. And I think that most people are aware of that. But are women praised for their achievement of learning much faster? Certainly not.

So, are these women then maybe compared to the average dancer at milongas or encuentros? That would actually be appropriate, because I am honestly convinced that many, many female leaders have long achieved that level of competency. Honestly: it is no rocket science. 

And if you observe more closely, you will discover that the reason for them being of equal competency  comes from the fact that they are taking classes and practicing and therefore still improving, whilst most men stop learning from a certain point on. Why should they? They will always get enough dances. I have danced with hundreds, maybe even thousands of so-called "advanced" leaders at events and will clearly state that the majority have a quite limited repertoire and musicality. That’s fine, because when I dance with someone, I do not expect "perfection" and I do not judge. I connect with another person and if that person is willing to "give" something of him or herself in the dance, I am perfectly happy. Most followers are, because this is after all a social dance.  

So why are female leaders not likewise accepted with all their imperfections and restrictions? Why will another woman not accept the invitation of an average female leader, whilst she is happily dancing with the guy who has been dancing the same ocho-cortado variation for the last 15 years without even adapting the move to the melodic rhythm?

Because women have to be better to be perceived equal!

I think that they are implicitly compared with the very small amount of top dancers who are musical, have an extensive-enough repertoire and a fine embrace. Most likely, they are also good looking and are, well, men! These are the few guys with whom every follower will want to dance at an Encuentro or Marathon.

What most forget: These guys have often been dancing for more than 20 years and are either very talented or have worked hard to get there. Yes, they might merit the praise but how unfair is it to compare a female leader, who has started to lead 2-3 years ago to these "tango gods"? Also, no matter how good she gets, she will not lead "like a man". Because she is no man. But do you have to lead "like a man" to lead well? I very much doubt that.

I am impressed by everyone who tackles "the other role" despite the social inhibitions, the time consuming effort and the huge amount of money that they have spend to learn, to become better, to develop. I see how many of them improve by the day!

I do not want anyone to give leading women any more leeway than male leaders. But please give them the same chance that you would give to a male leader of a comparable level of competency. Try to judge them by their dancing and not by their sex. 

Ok, unless tango IS about sex for you. Then of course, this is ok. Women will stay women and men men. If you only get your tango highs with the big hairy bloke (quoting a male friend), then so be it. ;-)

Personal note: 

I have for 21 years lead in class, but only recently (2019) made the serious attempt of leading at milongas. I have practised despite the fact, that I understand all moves and musicality and can perfectly demonstrate them in class - mostly in an open hold. But it is different in close embrace at milongas. So it is obvious, that it will take me some time, until I’ve incorporated our repertoire in my everyday milonga life. I am improving. 

But I have got the advantage to be a teacher and well known at many events I go to. So I will mostly reach my goal of leading 50%. It is only at events where I am not known (marathons) that I will be perceived in the same manner as the other leading ladies. This (and the fact that I actually talk to our female leaders) is why I know what I am writing about. And guess what: There are female followers who have learned with us but will not accept my invitation at a milonga. They will of course accept Detlef’s invitation - if he happens to be there on time and is not chatting at the bar. ;-)

Let’s see how that works next weekend at the Heidelberg Tango Marathon. By writing this post, I have certainly not improved my chances with the guys. ;-)

Update: At the HTM it went well after a little while. I did not reach the 50%, but close enough. ;-)

Tango Queens Congress 2020 - an organiser's perspective

In early 2019, when I accepted the invitation to a new Facebook group, the Tango Queens, I would never have imagined how much it would become a part of my life.

I actually considered rejecting the invite because I could not relate to the name. Although I use the term in class (e.g."walk like a queen"), it somehow sounded girly and I mostly expected make-up or shoe recommendations. Yes, there are such threads, but many more serious topics were and still are being discussed in a very engaging manner. This group was indeed needed!

Very soon, the idea of a congress for women was born and I found myself in the organising team gathered by Monika Jurkiewicz, a polish dancer living in London. Monika is the founder of the Facebook group and therefore it was natural that she took the lead. Most of us did not even know each other personally and as we were spread far apart, our team met over the course of an entire year via Skype to prepare the intricate details of this ambitious project. The other team members were: 

• Juliana Thutlwa, a German tango organiser and psychologist, who would handle the website and research about "tango visuals and imagery". Juliana was the only one whom I knew personally.
• Carmen Cordiviola, an Argentinian powerhouse and coach living in Berlin, who'd be responsible for the feminist perspective.
• Evren Jülide Koç, a Turkish dancer and yoga teacher, who would become our liaison to the South-Eastern hemisphere.
• I, Melina as the local representative and co-ordinator as we choose my home town Saarbrücken as location.

As anticipated, the logistical preparations for the first TQC would become quite extensive. Although I have been organising tango events since 2001, this was an entirely new category. We needed a venue in which 3-4 different activities could be conducted at the same time, a round-the-clock catering, a main hall with a podium and complex technical setup to allow for panel discussions, lectures, big workshops and milongas. That all went far beyond the scope of a simple Encuentro, Festivalito or workshop-weekend. I was nevertheless lucky to have an experienced local team as well as the support of the location owners and we even got a small grant by the city of Saarbrücken. So all went well on the home front! 

As for the programme, our team put together a multifaceted choice of activities:

• 5 plenary sessions for all women present: The opening activity focussing on "The Embrace" (lead by myself), a lecture "Woman in red" by Veronica Toumanova, a panel discussion about "Tango visuals and imagery" with most of the organising team members plus the psychoanalyst Rachel Seidel and the photographer Viktoria Fedirko and two sessions "Feminist Tango" lead by Carmen.
• 7 body workshops about "Empowered Follower", "Leading for Women" and Yoga. The teachers were Mila Vigdorova & Corina "Abraztango", Veronika Toumanova, Imme Oldenburg & Ramona Steckermeier, Evren and myself.
• A workshop about "Organisation of tango events" by me, Melina.
• A lecture by Theresa Faus about "Women in Tango History".
• An interesting choice of small-group discussions about "Leader and Follower roles & stereotypes", "Getting more leaders into classes & events", "Discrimination – being in the minority in Tango", "Sex & Dating in Tango", "Clothing & Gender – Stereotypical expression & expectation", "Tango & Ageing", "Sex & Abuse – the dark side of Tango", "Competition among women – how can we be more supportive?", "International Tango – cultural differences in dancing", "Women as teachers, performers, mentors" and "Women as DJs". All sessions were lead by the organising team members reinforced by Rachel Seidel.
• And last not least there were 2 milongas with the DJs Gabriela Ioana Manea and myself.

Because I was so busy with the logistics and leading so many group activities, I unfortunately had very little opportunity to sit in as a mere participant. I regretted that because my original motivation was to bond and engage. Now I spent far too much time running between the different rooms and facilities. I would definitely take on less responsibility at another occasion. But this is not uncommon when organising a new event: it took years until I had developed a form of organisation that allows me to actually dance during our encuentros. 

This is why the following observations are more from an organiser's and teacher's perspective. Those who were "only" participating had the chance to develop a more emotional connection to the whole process compared to someone who is on the clock. I nevertheless would like to share some impressions:

I found it astonishing how harmonically and constructively 120 women of different age-groups, cultures, sexual orientations and tango backgrounds interacted. There were differing opinions and not everyone felt a deep "sisterhood", but the general benevolence created a very special atmosphere that was different from every other tango event. I have been leading Ladies-Only-Seminars for many years. They have a similar feel, but the sheer number of congress participants had a very uplifting and empowering effect that is impossible to create in a smaller group. It also allowed us to experience two milongas in which men were not missed. I hope it convinced everyone present, that we need never complain about too few male leaders with such a potential of lovely dancers right at hand!

As a teacher, I am super proud that so many of my students and numerous of my teacher-training-graduates took part in the congress, either as participants or as helpers, teachers and speakers. Over the past few years, many of them have not only worked on their leading skills, but have also participated in building a network of women in tango. From their personal feedback I can tell, that their motivations and connections have been reinforced through their experiences at the congress.

Before and after the congress, there were quite a few critical voices, in particular when it came to excluding men. I understand the fears beneath some of the critics' accusations, but can assure them that the "safe space" created by the congress was at no time abused for bad-mouthing men or for resorting into mere complaining. Most of the time, we did not even think about men. Discussions and talks were either referring to one's owns feelings or a more general perspective trying to understand the female situation in tango. We also did not burn bras or hold other rituals that are connected to hard-core-feminism. Actually during one of the plenary activities, only very few women raised their hands when being asked if they understand themselves as feminists. I feel that what matters aren't labels but the wish to stand on your own feet and be self-determined without having to put the blame on "the men". The red thread in all discussions, workshops and talks was that we've all got it in us to change our situation to the better!

But besides all these empowering words and the fact that women can be as good leaders as men (in all fields) we cannot deny that there is still a technological bias that makes many women dependant on men. We discussed this when it came to women as djs. There are still quite a few female djs with very little technical know-how who rely on their "guys" being present. A limited technological focus can also be an advantage because it makes women concentrate on what is important: creating a flow and playing nice music instead of obsessing about nerdy sound-quality-details. But for our congress, it also meant that we could not do without male help. After a quite desperate search, a good friend of mine volunteered to travel from afar and be there over the whole weekend as our sound-person. I have to admit: My logistical team anyway included my sweetheart who - as a non dancer - acts as the chief logistics-person at all our Tangokombinat events. Having such an experienced help in the background allowed me to actually conduct the content-sessions I was responsible for. Our technical advisor on the other hand actually was "in the room" during some of the sessions because of the complex technical setup. He did super in being invisible and I don't think that any woman was disturbed by his presence, but still: more radical voices could argue that a female congress should not have to rely on male help. 

I am not one of them because I do believe that we anyway have to cooperation to make our tango world better. Independence is important, but no one lives in a vacuum. This is why I also think that there should be future events that include male dancers. Most likely not the next one and maybe not under this label, but ultimately some important discussions should not be held without this significant minority in tango.

Out of personal reasons, I will not be participating in the organisation of the next Tango Queens congress. I hope to be there as a participant or - if the new team decides so - as a teacher/speaker and I will certainly follow the development with geat interest. 2020 was just the beginning of something wonderful and necessary. I am looking forward to what comes next!

Information about location and staff: 
The first Tango Queens Congress took place on January 24-26, 2020 in Saarbrücken Germany. The venues were the Acting and Arts school, the space of photographer Jean Laffitau and the Tangokombinat studio. All local helpers were Tangokombinat members or students of the acting school who were co-ordinated by Thorsten Janes. I would like to mention Estrella Ina in particular who produced the great wall-tattoos. The sound-specialist was Gregor Killing, dj and dedicated tanguero. I would like to thank all of them. Without you, it would not have been possible!

Photos in this post:
Photos 1-3 are by me and show three different setups of the location: Milonga (with tables), opening activity (no tables, but space to move on the floor) and plenary discussion/lecture (in this case lecture by Veronica).
Photos 4 + 5 are by Viktoria Fedirko and show me leading the dj-discussion and teaching an empowered followers class. 
Photo 6 shows the wall-tattoo and is by myself.

Quo Vadis Encuentro Milonguero II

In the beginning there was just Tango. And everyone was happy dancing with everyone else. Then came the separation between „Tango de Salon“ and „Tango Escenario“. And much later the schism between „Marathonistas“ and „Milongueros“. Everyone complained, but actually the two groups were enjoying the fact, that there was someone to be different from. One could be „amongst oneself“, the ones living in total liberty, the others in the security of their set of codes. The ones were moving, the others embracing. The ones were holding on to their partners, the others enjoyed short-time relationships. The ones liked their modern beats, the others stuck to the golden oldies...

Nah... you all know, that these are just stereotypes. There was never black and white, but all shades of grey, all kinds of events. Over the years, more and more Marathonistas joined the ranks of the Milongueros and I have even heard of the odd Milonguero visiting a Marathon. Now there are even „Marathon and Milonguero mergers“ - obviously a big success and great idea, because both groups actually have the same preferences: dancing socially to traditional music.

Yet, despite all similarities, there was and still is a feeling of „we“ and „them“. You could always be sure to enjoy ourselves at an Encuentro, because you‘d meet with dancers who share your philosophy. But recently, a divide is opening in our midst. It is called „separate seating for men and women“. 

Yes, I am dramatising. Again. ;-)

Fact is, that two sub-categories of Milonguero-events are forming and I will surely contribute to this development by commenting on it repeatedly. However, as I feel strongly about this particular question and don‘t like being surprised on site, I will from now on offer my (soon to be published) recommendations for Milonguero events divided into two sections:

• Events for Milongueros WITH separate seating: Men and women are seated in different areas, usually on the two longer sides of a room. Sometimes, there is an additional area for couples or mixed groups of friends, but the majority of places will be taken by the women‘s and men‘s sections. Quite often, seats are assigned to you, before you enter the Milonga. The average age at these events usually is a bit higher and most take place in southern European countries and France. A change of roles (women leading, men following) is less likely to happen at these events.
• Events for Milongueros WITHOUT separate seating: Men and women are seated in mixed groups. Sometimes, seats are assigned in advance, but more often, you just choose whatever seat is available and are free to change places during the Milonga. The average age is a little lower and you‘ll find a growing number of (ex-) Marathonistas at these Milonguero events as they have discovered, that Milongueros indeed do it better. ;-) Changing roles is getting quite frequent in this context, which is why some organisers (including me) nowadays manage bookings by „followers & leaders“, not anymore by „men & women“.

You might prefer the one or the other type of event, yet you can still count on the fact, that the other pre-requisites for Milonguero events are met by all Encuentros or Festivalitos on my list. So if you don‘t mind whether you are seated gender-separated or in mixed groups, you can visit any of them and enjoy the party!

However, I am facing another problem: In the last two years, quite a number of new „Encuentros“ have appeared in the calendars. Far too many for me to visit them all or to be able to know if they are even „authentic“. Unfortunately, a lot of organisers also use the label „Encuentro Milonguero“ to sell their Festival to the Milonguero public, although they do not really share this philosophy. This is one more reason for me, to recommend only such events, that I have visited or that are organised by personal acquaintances. For a more complete overview, check out Gato Milongueiros site.

I want to finish my post by suggesting a little checklist to help with the question:

Is a particular event an Encuentro or Festivalito Milonguero?

Does the majority of dancers (95% for an established event. Maybe 70% if it is a first-time Encuentro, that wants to integrate „new“ people into the Milonguero scene):
- dance in close embrace
- respect the ronda
- avoid movements, that take up too much space or lift the feet from the dancefloor
- invite each other by mirada & cabeceo
- dance together one tanda only, then clear the dance floor during the cortina in order to be free to dance with someone else (very important feature of distinction to Marathons)
- comprehend themselves as Milongueros and behave in the same way at other Milongas or Festivals

If there are demos or classes:
- are these purely social Tango

Do the DJ‘s:
- play traditional Tango only
- use tandas & cortinas

Do the organisers:
- partake in other Milonguero events
- promote the above-mentioned social behaviour of the dancers
- admit an equal number of followers & leaders (or men & women) to the event
- organise the event as a series of single Milongas (and not as one ongoing Milonga)

If you can answer most (or better all) of these questions with a YES, than you‘ll have a genuine „Milonguero Experience“. Which is what I wish you all for 2015.

See you on the dancefloor!


By the way: check out the original post "Quo Vadis Encuentro Milonguero".

Dressed to kill?

Within the last year, I have been blogging less and living more. Mostly in a non-Tango context. I even got to spend time with intelligent, non-tangoing adults.

So there‘s a discussion I had some time ago:
A non-tanguero: "Why did you dance with that guy in jeans?" (Referring to a photo on Facebook)
Me (after having identified the tanguero with a few questions): Why should I not dance with him? Because he‘s wearing jeans? A lot of guys do that!
The non-tanguero: "In my opinion, this shows a severe lack of respect. ... I‘d dance with him in a club or at a party, but not at a ball. Milongas seem to be formal occasions as it can be deducted from the way women dress up? These occasions ask for a certain respect towards the partners and the setting - as does any other form of social environment. Therefore women should not dance with men, who do not show that form of respect towards them and the occasion. By this, women could actually provoke a change in men‘s attitudes."
My intuitive reaction (not having thought about that question in Tango context a lot): "Hey! I chose my partners according to their skills as dancers and out of sympathy. I am quite picky and dance with very few people. If I‘d start to sort out the ones who are not dressed to my liking, I‘d get to dance even less!"
From then on, the discussion took another turn, but some of the thoughts stuck and kept on working. 

So let us have a closer look at the argument.

First of all, I will have to check the initial assumption: A Milonga is a formal event.

Non-tangueros might consider tango as an environment, where dressing-up is pretty much the standard or at least should be. They could imagine gentlemen in three-pieced-suits and ladies in evening gowns, maybe with a touch of nostalgic accessories. I‘ve heard that actually a lot. But how do they build their image of tango? I guess by watching movies, TV, from books and other similar sources.  They might also evoke memories from dance-school when everyone was asked to dress up for the balls. These are valid associations that generate the images of formal events. And - let‘s face it - these images fit to what tango was a couple of years ago or still is in some places.

When I started out, tango was an exotic and very special pastime for middle-aged academics. Going to a Milonga felt a bit like tango-show-re-enactment. Everyone was dressed up, some men wore braces and two-coloured shoes, the ladies dressed in red and black. I was lucky to discover close-embrace Tango de Salon right in the beginning and did not get stuck in Tango Fantasia, but I still liked liked the idea of living the tango-fantasy. Back then, I even wore fishnets. Imagine! And yes, Milongas felt like formal events.

But over the years, our environment changed a lot. 

Sure, there are still the grand balls with shows and orchestras and people in evening wear, there are still more genteel Milongas in and out Argentina, where a certain standard of clothing is considered appropriate. There is still a formal Tango setting. But that‘s not the world I live in.

So what‘s my Tango-setting like and why did it change?

Over the last 10 years, more and more young people joined, importing their habits of communication and dressing. Tangueros got more and more interested in getting to know the music, in learning how to communicate and how to develop their dance and less interested in showing-off their attire. Tango became an important part of many people‘s lives and sometimes, it was hard work. In a way, tango became everyday life.  It might be an addiction, but it has in the same time been secularised for many and professionalised for some. It‘s been analysed, it‘s steps have been taken apart, it‘s history has been studied and old myths have been dissected by the minds of tango-scientists. Mind you, we‘re still big weepy romantics who cry over a Tango by Di Sarli or explode in hysteric laughter when we manage to do that one perfect shift of weight exactly on the syncopated note. But tango-life nowadays is much more profane than it used to be. 

And events have become quite casual occasions. There is still a difference between afternoon Milongas where people show up very casually and the evening events where everyone pays a little more attention. But in general the Milongas, Encuentros and Festivalitos I visit are more like parties:
You‘ll make new friends and meet people, with whom you have already spend many hours at similar events. They have seen you at the start of the Milonga when you‘re all new and shiny and at the end of it, when your make-up is smeared and your clothes sweaty, your feet swollen and your walk unsteady. They have shared your room at the youth hostel and hung out with you at the swimming-pool. They have seen you cheerful and sad and annoyed and enthusiastic. And you‘ve embraced them so many times... These are no formal acquaintances. They are friends or sometimes enemies. Pretty much like the crowd you used to hang out at university. I expect them to behave politely on and off the dancefloor as I would on any other occasion. If they want to dance with me, I will also expect them to keep up an agreeable level of personal hygiene, to have a comfortable embrace, to connect nicely to the music and to not annoy me by pushing me around or by rattling though memorised steps. But I will not expect them to dress up. When my eyes are closed, I will care about how you move and not what you wear. As you all know, I spend a lot of time at Milongas sitting and watching or talking to people. I can make a very educated guess in saying that the majority of dancers at these sort of event will agree to my last words. (If not, please speak up.)

So, let me state: the tango events that I visit are no formal events. Wearing clean jeans and an ironed t-shirt is considered to be appropriate on these occasions by the majority of those who participate. Different standards might apply to those who perform (work) at these occasions. But this would be another topic.

But still, my partner in the above cited conversation has made a another valid point, that might be of importance: there is a misbalance between the clothing habits of men and women. The days of formal evening wear might be over at Encuentros, but women in general still dress nicely, wear a little make-up, high heels - even when their feet hurt... They do it for themselves, to feel better, to boost their self-confidence and ... to please the eyes of the gentlemen. 

Yes. Although the Milonguero nowadays will not anymore be so easily tricked into dancing with a beginner because of her Comme-Il-Fauts, he‘s still a man. And men like pretty women. They will probably invite the lady in a nice skirt more often than the hag in clogs. Won‘t they?

And this is where it gets unfair, as a lot of men have taken the „come casually“ idea a little bit too far. They seem to think, they can show up in their pyjamas and still get the all women to dance with them. Mind you, they are not the majority, but it‘s not a rare phenomenon either. 

Where does this overly careless attitude come from? In the last decades, men have learned that there are many more women in tango and most will not be too picky about their partners. They‘ll accept every invite, no matter how lousy you dance, behave or dress. It took me several years of self-reflection and a lot of willpower before I was able to reject the ones I did not like or who would not please me as dancers. In my classes, I encourage women to say „no“ if they don‘t want dance with a guy. And they are slowly getting there, especially at Encuentros where the numbers of men and women are evenly balanced. This is why most guys nowadays notice, that it makes sense to improve their dancing skills, to mothball the old macho-attitude and in general to pay attention to what women like. But they forget about the visual aspects of partner choice.

So, this may come as a surprise, but guess what? Women have eyes too. They will most-likely not reject an invite because the guy is wearing jeans, but there are certain limits to what a woman is willing to accept.

And: I have to admit that a well-dressed and prettily-groomed gentleman will attract my special attention. There is always that one guy who stands out from the crowd, who has developed a modern tango, but who kept a little bit of an old-fashioned charm about him. Who shows that sweet respect to the occasion and the ladies by taking a little extra care of his appearance.  Sure, I‘ll choose him mainly because of his skills as a dancer, but: physical attractiveness plays a role. Dancing with him makes me feel special. Why lie?

So. It might be worth while getting a shave, having your hair nicely cut and once in a while wearing a tasteful suit. It‘s not outdated, it‘s not cheesy. It shows respect. 

Beziehungsunfähig (no Tango post)

Beziehungsunfähig.

Now that‘s a word, that I have heard many times since the early 90‘s. It translates as „not capable of maintaining a meaningful romantic relationship“.
When a german grown-up with a certain level of education goes through or prepares a break up, he (or she) will most likely ask him- (or her-) self: Am I „beziehungsunfähig“ and should I therefore give up trying to have a relationship in the first place? In some cases: What do I have to change to become „beziehungsfähig“. (Capable of...) 

I have heard these words from friends, I have heard them from partners... it seems to be such a common way of thinking. But fact is: I have never used them, whether by referring to others, nor to myself. I guess some ex-partners would point out, that this lack of questioning my general capability of bonding was one of the major problems, but I wonder... is it just a different cultural background?

Because yesterday, during my Yoga workout, I started to think about the word "beziehungsunfähig" and tried to find an english translation. I did not succeed and neither did my preferred translation tool on the internet. I tried English, French, Italian, Portuguese and Polish. No such word exists in either of these languages.

And this is where I ask myself: Does the concept even exist in other languages? Do people of other origins question their capabilities of maintaining a relationship after a breakup or do they „only“ suffer, move on or do whatever people do before they start looking for somebody new. Is it only Germans who over-psychoanalyse every move they make? (And is this the reason why I don‘t read german authors... by the way?)

I am not like that. After a breakup, I am sad, I suffer, I move on or I don‘t, I ask myself what has gone wrong or I am just mad or relieved that it‘s over. I sometimes wonder, if I will ever find love again, but I never ask myself, if I should stop trying because of a general incapability.

The language you use will influence the way you think, will define limits and possibilities. So, the question is: Am I too not „deep“ enough or just lacking the „German“ gene? Is it because I grew up with three languages instead of only one, that I don‘t even think in that direction? Am I doomed to make the mistake of bonding to someone new over and over again, although I might be „beziehungsunfähig“, just because I am not german enough to enough to admit it? 

So... What is it? Do non-germans even think that way? Can they, if they don‘t have a word for it? Or do they just don‘t give a damn?

Manifesto For The Pause

A spectre is haunting the european Tango community - the spectre of speed. All the parties have entered into a secret alliance to promote this trend: Milongueros and Nuevoists, Salon dancers  and those imitating the brilliant young couples, who inspire dancers from all backgrounds.

Nah... really... I don‘t know, if it is everywhere, but it seems to be everywhere I go: the urge to run on the dancefloor. People are running to D‘Arienzo, they are running to Calo, they are running in the Milongas and they are running in the Encuentros. They run with small steps, when there is no space and they run with huge steps, when the dancefloor is empty. But they never pause. I dance with them or I watch them from the side of the dancefloor. And I want to shout out: Stop running!

Sure, you‘ll think: „This is Melina with her preference for Di Sarli. She is just lazy and overly sentimental.“

Yes, I love my slow lyrical Tangos and I do like moving with a certain calm fluidity. But, those who have met me in the last three years, might have noticed that I also like dancing very energetically. I also love rhythmic variation and discover more possibilities every day. Past weekend, there were a few Tandas, when I practically went berserk and could not move fast enough. Ask Andreas. ;-)

But there is always a moment to pause in every Tango: it might be at the end of a musical phrase or when the singer starts or when a violin takes over... Even the most rhythmical and speedy Tangos have their „slow and lyrical“ moments, when you might want to change to half speed or pause for a full measure... Or longer... This is when you breathe, when you reconnect to your partner, when you concentrate on the embrace rather than on the movement, or just listen. There are Tangos that inspire a constant calm pace and many pauses and there are Tangos in which these moments of peace a rare and precious. But no Tango requires us to run all the time!

And is not only me longing for a pause.

I talk to women, I watch them dancing ... and guess what: they are not always happy. Sure, there are many reasons to not feel good in the arms of the partner, but one of them is stress. „He does not let me breathe“, one lovely, very experienced Milonguera complained to me about her partner. And I have heard this so often... Sure, women also want to move (some more than others), they don‘t want to be bored by shuffling about. But they don‘t want to be stressed-out either. And high speed will even get even more stressful when it is combined with insufficient leading signals or too big movements. This is where the torture starts! 

For me, there is one particular case that I find most annoying: You dance with a man who‘s got a real nice embrace, who moves fluently and has the capacity to cuddle, but... he just won‘t stop. He will go on in a constant pace and miss-out every moment to slow down, to connect even better... You know that this would be a lovely, very special moment… you wait for that moment... but it just won‘t come. This guy drives me crazy!

As well as the other „runners“. ;-)

But who are they and how can followers respond to them?

Beginners: 
With a little bit of luck, they have heard about he basic beat and will connect to it by walking to all the strong notes. Usually these are the 1 and 3 in a measure. (Yes, you can also count 1212 instead of 1234, but let us not get into a that discussion please.) Sometimes, beginners might know how to dance a quick-quick slow (123- or 1-34), but most likely, they won‘t know ho to speed up constantly (1234) or dance half speed (1---). Although I think, that even Tango novices can be taught how to slow down or make pauses, I would want to cut them slack. I am happy with their basic knowledge of music and will do my best to not alienate them by complaining or back-leading. I will give them my best posture, my nicest embrace and encourage them in every possible non-patronising-way to develop their musicality and skills. 

Dancers with a insufficient technique:
A lot of dancers (leaders AND followers) just don‘t have the proper technique to move slowly. Because of a lack of dissociation, a constant misplacing of feet or other deficiencies, they do not find a proper balance. They cannot make a slow transition or even stand on one foot for more than a second without waggling. This is why they have to move constantly. Sometimes, these can be seemingly advanced dancers. They will do the most complex moves and you might not even notice their lack of balance. As long as they keep on moving, these moments of instability pass by very quickly. Slowness is an amplifier, a magnifying glass for every technical deficiency. 
As a teacher, I challenge every one to try it out in order to achieve a better technique and more musical variation.
As a follower in a social dance context, I cannot do so much. I can try deliver my best technique to better the balance of the couple, but I won‘t be able to compensate all their „flaws“. So, as long as it does not get really uncomfortable and the leading signals are clear enough, I will go along with their constant moves. But I will make an active musical choice: With these dancers, I will rather dance very rhythmical music, Tangos, Milongas and Valses in which the „calm“ moments are rare and I won‘t long for them so much. I will not dance a slow Di Sarli or romantic Fresedo with a dancer, who struggles with his balance in a slow move.

Musical researchers: 
Nowadays, many dancers, who work hard on their musicality. This is great and I encourage this in every way, as a teacher and dancer. (See related post.) So, lots of Milongueros have - maybe just recently - discovered rhythmic variety. They have learned how to spice up their dance with double speed, with syncopations, triplets, upbeats... they listen closely to every beat and don‘t want to miss one possibility to depict the melodic rhythm. Fine. But guess what: there are different layers of information in every given moment and when the bandoneons play a syncopation, another instrument might play only one legato note. Why not focus on that instrument for an instant? Or chose consciously to listen to the syncopation, to just be with it in your head and heart, but not step to it. Connecting to the melodic rhythm does not mean that we have to dance every possible note. We want to interpret the music, we don‘t want to imitate it with out feet. 
I do love dancing with someone who knows how to communicate rhythmical variety and knows his Tangos. But there is pleasure and there is overindulgence. So what can I do as a follower to not be „forced“ into his fever of rhythmical variation? Provided that a leader has got an acceptable technique and won‘t fall when he has to pause: I can do a lot!
I can slow him down actively: I can resist a little stronger whilst walking backwards, I can pause in a front or side step or I can delay a pivot with a restrained spiral movement. I can use all my technical abilities to communicate my musicality. Mind, I don‘t want to force my partner, I want to „make suggestions“. But beware: communicating on such a high level not only requires good technical skills, but also a deep knowledge of Tango music. I will surely not slow down when the music tells us to speed up. I will find the right moment. So ladies: please become musical researchers as well! If you don‘t know the music, you can only follow (him running around) - if you are able to listen to the music, you can dance.
I can seduce my partner: I may signal him in a more (or less) subtle way how I feel about his constant urge to move: In between two Tangos, I can tell him, how much I like those moments of stillness in the music and the deep connection that may come from them, how much I like moving slowly, when the music inspires me to do so. At the start of a romantic Tango, I can give him my cuddliest embrace and show how nice it can be to take a few moments to cherish nearness. Who would want to resist?
I use both strategies, depending on my mood, the particular dancer and the result I want to  achieve. Very often, I am quite happy with the results. When I want to achieve more, I mention it in class or I write a blog article.
But if all strategies fail and I‘ve got the impression, that a particular guy only uses me as a means to show off his brilliant musicality without listening to what I need... well... I will just not dance with him again. Or maybe only if I happen to be in a „running and trying to catch every rhythmical variation“ mood as well.
Dear leaders: If you dance with a highly musical, but over-active follower, you might use the same techniques to slow her down, do not „force“ her to stand still. But if you dance with a women giving you „hints“ to slow down, do not be offended, accept her wish to interpret the music in a slightly different way. A dance in which both partners are happy sure is reward enough. 

Leaders with a momentum-technique:
Some leaders rather use momentum, strong impulses coming from fast and big movements, rather than circular chest movements to give their leading signals. This is an acceptable technical approach - as long as the space on the dancefloor and the music allow for it. It works nicely in demos - but not so good on a social dancefloor. These dancers often have a very self-confident appeal and everything seems to be perfect as long as they move energetically. But the moment they have to diminish the size or speed of their steps, they seem to loose „presence“ and the leading signals get very unclear. Sometimes, they even come to an absolute stop, if surrounded by other dancers, because they just don‘t know how to move in a limited space.
These are very tricky situations. In a way, these guys might be good dancers and they might even have an interesting musicality, but their technical concept does not enable them to move more calmly. The good thing is: most of them are not beginners and have at least basic knowledge of alternative communication techniques. I will therefore use all my skill and persuasion to slow them down as described above. They will usually find ways to „lead“ in a more subtle way „on the fly“. If not and if they are a danger for the social dancefloor, I will not dance with them anymore - or only when there is enough space. ;-)

Those who are afraid of closeness:
When there is no or little movement, it is only you, the music and the partner. These are the moments when feelings come up, when closeness is experienced. So many dancers long for this nearness to another human being and may even dance Tango because of it. But there are also those who are afraid of being too close to someone else. Most of them will dance a more open or step-oriented style of Tango. But some may be socialised in a close-embrace environment, but cannot wholly give in to this idea. They will dance physically close, but they will not commit. They will move all the time, they will decorate, they will develop energy... but they will not stand still.
What can you do, to not put them off, to not frighten them? You don‘t want to overwhelm them with a too intimate embrace. I try to radiate calmness, I will be very rooted in the floor, a little lazy... but have a non-invasive, not too tight embrace. I will try to show that they can slow down without getting „involved“ too deeply. They might even „open up“ over the time and learn to connect more profoundly in the dance. 

As an experienced dancer, given a little time, you can do quite a lot to have an influence on how your partner moves. But all of this has to be done carefully and he may have a whole set of reasons why he does not want to pause or cannot do so. As "followers", we don‘t want to „teach“ on the dancefloor, we don‘t want to impose our musicality and we are certainly no psychologists. It is not our job to offer a therapy to our partners but to enjoy the music together.

And this is why, in the end, we just have to make a choice. Do we want to run and move all the time or do we want to allow ourselves to slow down once in a while? And breathe. And feel. And listen.

I choose to stop.

Now.



P.S. Just to make sure, that EVERYONE got me. Here are my definitions:
Slow down: moving constantly, but with a very slow speed (half speed 1--- or slower)
Pause: not transferring gravity centre at all for the duration of at least one measure.
So, if you don't use double speed, but still walk all the time with "normal speed" (el compas, 1 and 3), I might still count you amongst the "runners". There are also those who run slowly... ;-)

P.P.S. I know that lots of men will approve of my post too, but will reject my words with a relieved: "Thank god, I am not amongst these runners." Please consider carefully, if this is really the case. ;-)

P.P.P.S. I have written this post mostly from the perspective of a follower, who feels "rushed" by leaders. But it is obvious, that followers can be "runners" as well, especially all those ladies with the habit to decorate every possible or impossible moment of the dance. I comment on over-active women briefly in the section about "musical researchers" above, but I have mentioned the misusage of Adornos already much earlier. See here.

Divide And Rule

Again, I have not been writing for a couple of months. This has not been due to a shortage of topics, but for the lack of time and energy. There was just so much life happening... Good and not so good things, definitely important changes. But now I am back on track and can resume my role as a professional ranter and complainer. ;-)

This time, I want to write about a seating arrangement that is used in some traditional Milongas in Buenos Ares and that is riding the wave of the Encuentro movement in Europe.

I am talking about the separation of women and men at Milongas. In this setting, men are seated along one side of a Milonga, women on the opposite side, ideally each forming a single row of chairs and tables all facing to the dancefloor, in some cases two or three rows. Couples or groups of friends are usually placed on the shorter sides of a rectangular venue, very often in a cluster of tables. 

So, if you enter such a Milonga with a friend of the opposite sex, you will have to decide, if you want to sit with him in the couples section and therefore risk not being invited or if you split up and be seated in the women‘s and men‘s section and stare at each other from the others sides of the room.

Where does this custom come from? 

As mentioned above, it is used in some (by far not all) traditional Milongas. Some say that it is based on the assumption, that (married or engaged) couples will only want to dance with each other, whilst single men and women are open to invitation by strangers. In the past, it was obviously also considered as dishonourable to invite the woman of another men. Well.... tempus fugit, I really cannot say, if Argentine society is still attached to these ancient codes of behaviour, but they have surely survived in some Milongas. There are also other interpretations of how and when this custom was introduced, but who can really tell. It depends on who you ask when and where. ;-)

Whatever the history may be - this seating arrangement has made it‘s way to Europe and is used in some regular Milongas as well as a few (by far not all) Milonguero Encuentros. 

And as Europeans do not share this rather antique code of honour and don't have a tradition of Tango culture, the argument to adopt this custom is usually the facilitation of Mirada and Cabeceo: As all your eligible partners will be seated opposite of you, it should be easier to use the traditional form of invitation.

Only... it is not.

In the ideal setting (with only one row of seats) and for some short moments, this may be the case, but in general, the separate seating even complicates the Cabeceo.

Why so?

1. The risk of mistakes is raised. Just imagine: If a woman is seated in between two male friends, she can almost be 100% sure, that the cute guy who is looking in her direction really wants to invite her - and not her boyfriend.

If she is seated in a close row of other women... who can really tell? Especially if the room is a little bigger or if you don‘t have eagles eyes. Same situation for men: How often have I seen two men get up at the same time, because I cabeceo‘ed one of them. This does happen only very seldom in a mixed-seated environment.

2. If there are more than one rows, the people in the second or third row have got very little chance to be invited. As long as you are seated in mixed tables around the dancefloor, there will be always someone in your direct line of sight, because you can invite in all directions. If you can only look into one direction and are covered by one or two front rows... Good luck to you!

3. From the moment on, that people start dancing, you cannot see the opposite rows of seats anymore. Again: if there are eligible partners on your side of the dancefloor, an invitation by Cabeceo is still possible even after the Tanda started. But try inviting someone who is covered by moving dancers ... well... I have done it several times, but it involved not only heavy staring but also absurd swaying movements or actual gesticulating. This is not very dignified.
One result is, that people are very hectic at the start of the Tanda, as they've got only a couple of seconds to chose a partner. Spend one moment too long considering with whom you mifgt want to dance this lovely Di Sarli Tanda and you've lost.

So, even if you have not yet experienced such a seating arrangement, you can imagine, that having a good seat is crucial in such a setting, much more than in any other arrangement. In the few traditional Milongas of BA who use this seating, the organiser will assign chairs to the visitors. Very often, regulars or famous dancers get the good seats, newcomers are put in the second row or at the far ends. You can imagine that this gives the host an immense power and if that person does not like you ... you better stay at home!

I was once seated in an overflow women‘s row behind a cluster of mixed tables at Cachirulo. Mind you, there were still places in the front row on the women‘s side, but they were reserved for the habitués. Detlef and our friend Antonio (a regular at that Milonga) got the perfect seats in the men‘s row. Well obviously, Norma did not like me.... When I became aware of my situation (sometimes being a little slow on the intake), I decided to leave and would only stay after Antonio had arranged a better seat for me. I stayed, but my mood was not at it‘s best...
(Just for the record: I have been seated perfectly at other occasions at separated-seating Milongas, this post is not about me complaining of not getting the right chair.)

You can already tell, that I am no big fan of the separation of men at women at Milongas. But this comes not only from the fact, that I find it‘s application disadvantageous to invitations... no, no...

My main reason for opposing it lies much deeper: I perceive the separation of men and women as something impeding communication and social exchange at a Milonga.

When I visit an event - in particular one of the Encuentros - I will not only dance. I want to meet friends whom I don‘t meet every month, I want to communicate - not only on the dancefloor. If I am forced to be seated far from my male friends, I cannot communicate with them. And I will not communicate much with the women either, as all chairs are facing the dancefloor and everyone is just staring into one direction. For me, such Milongas transform into dance-only events. And the competition amongst women gets bigger. Do we really want this? 

I have talked to many people in the „traditional“ Tango community and the opposition against separate seating is huge. You can tell by the fact, that the „mixed“ short sides of the rooms are overflowing with dancers, both men and women and some people even boycott the arrangement by sitting on the other gender‘s side. And obviously, men and women from the separated sides also invite partners from the mixed section. So, what the hell?

And here‘s the thing: Even at the traditional Milongas in BA, this custom is undermined constantly. On our last visit in El Beso, we (Detlef, Antonio and I) were seated in the mixed section behind the row of single Milongueros. I expected to dance only with my companions. But after the Milongueros had seen me on the dancefloor, they actually turned around and invited me although I was seated with two men. Go figure!

Conclusion:

Within the last half year, I attended three Encuentros with separated seating. I can survive in such a setting and get my share of dances, but I will never be happy or comfortable. How can I, if I just don‘t understand the reason why?

I am all for adopting the traditional codes of behaviour on the dancefloor and for invitation into our European setting. I am all for enjoying the music in a close embrace and renouncing complex, big moves... These customs make actual sense and ameliorate the Milonga experience. 

But please - do we really have to imitate EVERYTHING exactly as it is done in SOME of the Milongas in the Tango capital?

I don‘t think so.

If someone can name good reasons for separating men and women at Milongas apart from „this is how it was always done in BA“ and „it helps Cabeceo“, please feel free to present them. 

Maybe I just don‘t get it.


A short note after some reactions on Facebook and here: 
Please do not forget, that this article is about the adaptation of a special Argentine custom into an European setting. I don't try to change the customs of the traditional Milongas in BA. I go there, I adapt to their rules, I like them or I don't. But that's just not the point. This article is about whether it makes sense to have separate seating at European events, especially at the Encuentros or Festivalitos Milongueros.
This article is also not about good seating or cabeceo. I use cabeceo across huge rooms in mixed-seating Milongas all the time and it works perfectly. And: yes, also mixed-seating Milongas need their tables to be lined along the dancefloor in order to make Cabeceo possible. Get it?