Let's talk about sex!

... or the lack of it in Tango. 

Why? Because it‘s one of the most obvious and most avoided topics in our favourite pastime or profession. And because there seems to be a tiny spark of a psychologist in me after all. ;-) 

We‘ve all made up our minds! Contrary to the image displayed in Tango shows, bad movies or in the heads the uninformed, Tango is not a sexual or erotic dance. It is sensual - at the utmost! How often have I explained this to Non-Tangueros, in order to avoid their pitying or lecherous glances and remarks! And even amongst Tangueros, people tend to make it very clear, that they‘ve got nothing to do with the antiquated notion of Tango as the most erotic dance in the world. 

Let‘s have a look at some typical opinions and statements. 

There are for example the ones who prefer to dance in an open or flexible embrace - often dancers of a younger generation. They focus on the possibilities of the movement and the music. I‘ve heard heard quite a few snide remarks coming from this group, like: „Dancing in a close embrace is for the old and unattractive ones. You know, those who do not find a partner in real life and use Tango as a replacement for sex or as a hunting ground. We do not need that.“ 

Huh.... 

Those who cherish the close embrace might answer: „These young ones! They‘re afraid of real relationships and nearness. They hide behind complex movements in order to avoid intimacy. We experience a real connection, but will of course not try to exploit it. It will only last for a Tanda and then it‘s over! We would never, ever... We‘re sophisticated and spiritual beings, not Salseros, who only dance in order to pick up a man/woman. We do not need that.“ 

So, what all these people want to tell us, is that they will not use Tango to make sexual or romantic advances to another person. Everyone who dances in a close embrace with someone he/she finds attractive will know, that this is not the whole truth and that the dance itself can become very sexy. But if you restrict this activity to a set of four Tangos and restrain yourself from taking it any further, this will definitively have consequences. 

Because, if you take into account that: 

- a lot of Tangueros are singles,
- Tango is their major or only pastime - the only place where they could find a partner,
- and that they spend most of their nights dancing, coming home exhausted physically and mentally...
... the question imposes upon one: Are those people ever going to find a partner for life or the night? They must all be celibate! 

And let‘s have a look at those, who do have a steady relationship: They will not show their affection during a Milonga out of fear of not being invited by someone else, they will spend lots of communicative energy to embrace strangers all night, they come home late and exhausted... How much energy will they have left to connect to their partner, in whatever way? 

So what, Tangueros in general don‘t have sex and Tango is their substitute for it? 

At first glance, scientific research seems to back up this idea. In the context of my psychological thesis („Sex-roles in Argentine Tango“ - now please think Sandra Bem and not Naughty Nurses) - I interviewed 170 German Tango dancers. The majority of them (100 persons) were single. Now, this was in 2001 to 2003 and I‘d probably develop a totally different questionnaire nowadays - but nevertheless some of the results are interesting:
68,3 % of the respondents associate Tango with passion and erotics.
80,5 % of the respondents see Tango as an opportunity to experience physical nearness to other people.
56,7 % of the respondents see Tango as an opportunity to be near to a man/woman in a non-committing way.
But only 14,2 % of them comprehend Tango as an opportunity to find a partner. 

So again: people make connections, rather important ones to opposite-sex partners in Tango, but they will not take it any further and go home solo. But why is that so? 

There are several explanations, that I‘ve heard over the years:
- Most Tangueros have relational issues or are just too shy.
- They are afraid of loosing a particular person as a dance partner.
- They are afraid of endangering their standing as a Tanguero by getting a reputation as a slut or a womaniser.
- Tango itself is a sanctuary. You do not desecrate it by profane actions. 

Well... I don‘t know.... I don‘t believe in all of that. Not even in the results of my studies. When I look around, I see many people finding partners for life or having love affairs in Tango. Very often, they just don‘t tell, which is a little strange for me, because I used to move in circles, where people talked openly about their sexuality or at least did not try to repress this primal need. But if you take Tango seriously, sex seems to be a taboo. 

And now I come to the point, where I want to introduce Argentina as a „good“ example, because there, Tango is a normal part of everyday life. People go there to have fun with their spouses, they bring their family, eat, chat and yes, use the environment to find a partner for the night or for life. Sure, they will abide to rules of discretion, if they still want to dance with other people, so they won‘t leave the Milonga with their lover or sit with a partner - but apart from that, it‘s no secret, that Milongueros and Milongueras use the Milongas as a „hunting ground“. And why should they not? 

We‘re all confident grown-ups and if we don‘t want to accept a polite invitation, we just say no, don‘t we? 

(Note for the over-zealous: This is not a post to encourage transgressive behaviour in the dance or "sexy" Milongas. I‘m discussing an interesting phenomenon from an analytic perspective and making a small leap into the question of a „natural“ attitude towards Tango. That's all!)